She Doesn’t Want To Hurt Him, But Wants More Sexual Experiences.
What Are Her Options?
Dear Frank,
I’m a 22 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We’ll call him ‘Steve’. I do love him, and I enjoy being with him.
My problem is that lately I’ve been feeling like I want to experience other relationships. Steve was my first boyfriend, so I’ve never really experienced anything else out there. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m not a bad person.
While I do have these thoughts, I would never act on them while we’re still in a relationship. I want to know what I should do? What can I do to zest up my relationship with Steve? We used to have so much fun together, but since the ‘honeymoon period’ has ended I find my mind getting bored and wanting to stray. So do I stay and wonder who else I could have met, or leave and experience other guys even though he’s done nothing wrong?
-Beyond Curious
Dear BC,
Well, there are three choices as I see it.
- Put all the energy you have into working on your relationship with Steve, and finds ways to Make Monogamy Work. For example, I am the author of a program entitled The Rules for the First 10 Times you have Sex with a New Lover and it has some ideas that you can use when the spice of your relationship is over.
- Restructure your monogamous relationship with Steve into a swinger or polyamourous one that makes it open for you both to date other people. This does not necessarily mean a sex free-for-all. As a couple you will have to both come together to set boundaries for what you both can and cannot do. This might mean anything from visiting a swingers club to just watch, but not participating, up to anything involving full romantic and sexual relationships with other people. I also authored a program on Alternative Relationship Choices to help people go from Monogamy to Non-Monogamous relationships.
- Break up with him completely. But you better be sure. What scares me for you is that you might be letting your curiosity ruin what could potentially be an emotionally healthy relationship. My strongest suggestion is for you both to find ways to work your curiosities into your relationship so that it does not cost you the very relationship you currently have, if it is a good one.
Lastly, and I do not say this in any “mean” way, but maybe the issue is about growing up. You seem to have expectations that your relationship is “suppose” to be fireworks all the time, and it will not be. That is not reality. Even open relationships will not mean swinging from chandeliers every night (although that can be fun, but not realistic). Part of maturity is to keep expectations realistic, otherwise you will end up being miserable with things that are actually good, and could start a trend of using relationships as escapism because you never learned to appreciate what you have. Good Luck.
~Frank, because I have to be
Writer for SandiOnSwinging.com, you can also visit him at www.franktalks.com where he talks more about having an open relationship.